this is why i like more than i love; i don't deserve perfection.

when i thought i was sent to heaven for what? three weeks, i get knocked out of the sky and i land back in hell. i miss things, and i miss being a girl. i miss when my walls were knocked down for one particular person. and now i'm slowly rebuilding them to keep myself from letting this mistake happen again.

i fell in love. lovely isn't? i didn't think it could happen, to me of all peopole and what makes things different is someone was actually head over heels for me too, but today an obstacle has been put in front of both me and him. and its the fact that he loves his is ex still, and i just came around at a very bad time you could say. all day for 4-5hrs i've been calling ,yself stupid because this guy, was just someone that made waking up amazing. that made having a bad hair day an i don't really give a damn. who totally made me rethink if i was lucky or not. but reality smacked me so hard that i'm still burning from the hit. this is the umpteenth time that something has just felt so wrong for the right purposes. this proved that i don't deserve to be this happy for such a long period of time because all good things do come to an end for me.

i miss hanging out with him, watching movies and basically just clowning around with him for hours on end. because i felt like i was in heaven, but he didn't feelt the same i guess. i'm not his angel and i guess i need to realize that sooner rather than being a bitter shrew as a 16 going on 17 year-old. i guess i'm just rushing into a happily-ever-after too soon. my plans are now consisting of making my friend my priority again.. and rebuilding myself again. i think this may possibly be the hardest thing i have ever had to do.

...im so scared...

dramu;him;and finals

yesterday, i couldn't bring myself to writing anything because i was so confused as to what the freak was goin with my mind. for hours i was so sure, and then i was so unsure for forever. then there was some stupid bull ish! omg! for starters, i will forever stick by my statement that if you're under the height of like 5'4" i will so not get along with you, just because its been that way for a while. but anyway.

dramu: i am so freakin sick of the words, "i've got to talk to you" because it always ends up bad! i mean the past two days i've heard things i don't wanna hear. i've yelled at people, and i've questioned my own sanity! but anyway, those words were said to me yesterday, almost as if it was intentional. and she was like, and i hurt you and i'm sorry. a true friend yeah would've told me, but would've told me in the privacy not infront of 20people making feel like a complete idiot. and then, i had to think about it with our schools police officer. and she so got me to thinking...why tell me out loud like that? and i was like omg! there's so something fishy going around here...and i secretly don't wanna know anymore. because i want this damn dramu to go away. it's stressing me out :(

him: he makes me happy, enough said. though i do have to admit he's an adorable person and makes me smile, but you know i swear he's a tad clueless about what he does. but i'll let it slide. but what this is about is the things he says & does that make feel less cold/flu-like. he was my pillow for lunch yesterday, which is totally the opposite of what i would do. okay yes i sound freakishly girly but i mean i honestly i can't help myself. its such an amazing feeling that flows from tips of my fingers and surges unexplainable electricity through-out my body. and alot of the time it seems so unexplainable because a lot of people know the feeling but those that don't make it so hard that all i can do is smile and be like "i don't know how to tell you" and even occaisionally show some people why i'm so happy, but if i was to show it now it may just make some of be like, "you're soo lying" i'm telling the gosh honest truth. or maybe this is some heroin based dream i've thought up whilst i'm in a coma? i have no idea! whether its real or fake, i'm enjoying the moment

finals: ok so yep, the word finals is probably making you cuss out of control but it's making me do the same. i think i've passed every one that i have taken far, which makes me proud. if i'm lucky i'll pass the next 3. two are easy and one requires me to have a thought process, which i hope i have. i'm trying to study...but my brain keeps shutting off.

all in all the last two days have been full of lies and smiles. and i for one am sick of the lies!

bring on the smiles

why some secrets should stay buried

ok yes that sounded like some talk show topic mess, but i couldn't resist. anyway, as i was stating in my ever so blunt title. not everything should be said. and i always seem to learn these things the hard way. but for starts i would like to state that the following quote is stupid and for those who say this...you all should hit yourselves with bricks.

"what you don't know, won't hurt you"

this could not be farther from a lie, and it is also very true. somethings have every right to stay secrets because of course finding out the truth will so eat away at you. it is a sucky feeling. but i mean think about it, do you really want to know every little detail about who you're in a relationship with? i mean it will do nothing but stress you out, and trust me i know some super duper stress that lower your self-esteem levels.

moving on!

i think last night/ this morning were the best day(s) of my week. i stayed up till like 3 talking about everything & nothing and in the process i smiled the whole time which is odd, i've been on don't touch me mode. but that's something that will be talked about in february because what has happened has passed but will indeed come again.

but anyway, i have no what else to blab on about...which is actually a first. i don't know, when somehting worth typing is done, i'll blab on it...

1:44 am

i slam my pen down and press my palms to

my forhead lately because the sight of you

behind my eyelids sends my thoughts to

only you, and then i begin to shut down

completely.

--

its because of you that i still believe in fairytales

and baby i wouldn't have it any other. every

girl needs someone to save her eventually,

evenwhen she's too proud to know it.

--

i reinact caused scenes over and over again
to figure out to fully understand why you have
yet to let me go. i'm far from unique and occaisionally
i fall over things. i have the tendency to rush into
falling in love and i hate not being close to you...
though there's a little voice inside my head screaming

"maybe that's why he's still holding on"

--

i hate it when i'm silent, because at that at exact moment
i'm thinking of every possible thing i should say to you but
i freeze up and i can only think of random things that make
me slightly more neurotic than my usual. words overlap
themselves on the tip of my tongue and are always on the
verge of falling out, but in the end all they will spell out is
i want to be your perfect imperfection.
--
i think i set myself up to hear you say honey-coated words
just so when my eyes are clouded with rain i can smile.

thats the way it goes

there's an actuall reason i hate chick flicks. because they make me think like the poor saps in the movie. and its so scary to me. because lately that's what i've expereinced. i'm scared to lose someone i love over stupid reasons because knowing me, i create the problems but don't know what to say to fix them.

so i write, i write alot of things mainly love poetry, lost love poetry, and your occaisional broken hearted poems. alot of people would question my emotions and constantly ask or wonder if i'm okay. the truth is i have no idea if i'm okay or not. though i think every child has the right to question their mental status, but i don't know i'm more scared of so much more lately, which is weird because the only thing i'm afraid of are the basics, spiders, snakes, scorpions, my parents dying, being a lone for ever, etc. but i mean being of afraid of something as minorly major as the l word. but knowing me, i have the tendency to freak out over just about everything, and in exchange i'm reassured by some amazing people that i am officially crazy.

but anyway: back to the chick flicks, there was one that i watched today, and it was about this girl who had heart problems and went to the hospital to wait for a heart transplant; harmless right? anyway while there she meets a group of people who are in the same situation, and while there she meets a guy who she thinks a complete loser. anywho she and him both get a heart transplant. the catch to this is that both of their hearts belong to some little girls parents,[sweet right]. this is taking too long for me to write, in the end the guy and the girl grow closer and closer together and in the end get married, but what stirs my happy gears, is that there was a line in it that said

"and their hearts fit perfectly together in place."

cute no? but i mean it struck a nerve in me. not a negative one, but a happy one. it felt uncomfy. usually the only way that happens is when i'm in the music zone.

there has to be an explanation to this, right?

january 10th (a saturday that should've been better)

what's hilarious about this entire thing to me is that i never
have anything to say when i write it but i can always speak
my mind. which is awkward if you ask me. just because it
proves that i'm a lil creepy.

anyway...i think i'm short on words at the moment because
today was sadly boring and i wanted to do nothing but sleep
it away but even still i couldn't.
now i'm on the verge of another poem but i don't think it'd be
enjoyable.

so much for a rant lol. oy the best thing about today was
someone said "i love you" :O ha. suspense

things that fall out of the sky remind me of him

one.
magical eclipses are formed from behind
my eyelids and a pearl-lit smile erodes
from beneath my lips and i realize that
i'm in heaven as long as i'm dreaming of you

two.
your fingers imitate summer rain-showers
against my skin, & i still represent the
never ending blizzard seeping from pores,
together we make a natural disaster.

three.
you are the stars that light my darkest nights
and the gentle breezes that slip in between
the spaces between my fingers and feels like
somethings missing when i can't hear you say
i love you too

four.
i don't know what to say to you about us.
because every time i try, i want to say that
i want to make my own constellation with
you and name it imperfection because as long
as i am the way i am, nothing can be perfect