burning on the inside.

so today i realized that i'm really effin weird. because i say the alphabet out of random boredom. but i mean i've always known that i'm weird so that's whatever. but i mean to just seriously blurt out random things... makes me laugh.

so today was mommy day, and it started off rocky and isn't over yet of course. but there was breakfast and random arguments that didn't make any sense then they just continued, but it ended i suppose. for dinner we had lobster and crablegss... with little shrimp. a baked patatoe, it was fantabulous.

so my mind is clogged...........my thoughts are just stuck. and it's not with just my writing it's with just about any and everything. okay well i know but it's whatever, part of me is used to it. though it comes from just being sick and tired of life, and part of me wants something to go right for a change... but i guess it's too much to ask for.

now my stomach hurts like crazy idk why...but its some pretty bad pain...and then there's a sharp pain that keeps coming through my shoulder. right now i'm just sick.

it is what it is, and i am what i am.

so yeah, it's been a month andd 5 days since i've touched this! i'm slipping majorly, but i ususally don't like to blab about nothing you know? at this particular moment in time i'm watching the spirit but not very closely it seems because i cannot type and watch.

but anyway in the past month i've gone through an emotionaly rollercoaster and i've finally gotten off. and now i'm feeling s-o-g double-o-d. i have just learned to do what people have told me to, and that is forgive and not forget. of course i'm still loving my first love, but right now i just want to be with someone who isn't always changing their mind with me. all.the.time! does that mean i don't love the guy i'm with? nope, that's a total lie. he's a person that completes me you know? and i believe he knows that a part of me is stuck on the other guy, but why go there when it's better not to.

yesterday people were trying to hook me up, once with a guy. disregarding the fact that i am happily taken. then later i was told that i should be bi, because i would look good with a friend of mine. can we say "WOW" but anyway.

samuel jackson is yelling lol well when does he not yell.

umm so i have some work to do and some songs to download but i totally don't know where to start on that. i have a rough draft of my research report to do and that is due tuesday, but i'll be doing the research monday during 2nd period and lunch... and then i'll be writing it monday night after gossip girl and during the hills and all that good stuff. but i promise to do all my english stuff before i leave for florida! that is my goal! must not give up on that...i need to get my head on straight now. i'm slipping. this whole year i've been slipping and now i think this my worse performance academically this whole entire year, and part of me is ashamed. i've been so caught up in petty high school stuff that i'm lacking what is truely me. and that is intelligence.

xoxo
dani

truth be told

i'm entering week idk of frustration! which is prolly why this will be a little short.

i'm so effin confused that i could spit! ughh why do people just suck?! it should be against the law for people to be able to do that. :(

this proves right there, that i'm not okay. i miss when i was okay. atleast i was a pleasure to be around, lately i'm starting to annoy myself. and you know its a serious issue when you annoy yourself =/

i'm so broken i doubt i can be put back together.

~dani<3~

same crap same life nothing changes but the days of the week.

so for the past month or whatever life has been a freaking rollercoaster. everything is no longer consistent and i'm starting to hate it. there has been much i have yet to report but since i haven't been able to write poetry might as well put my keyboard to work ya know? anyway, i've decided to go back to highschool life, the usual drama shit and the occasional pissing people off for the hell of it. just because it's getting ridiculous to pre-plan your life when you're a junior. there's enough stress as it is being 16 almost 17 and slightly intelligent, and to throw love into the mix it seems throws me off balance. now that doesn't mean ms. dani is throwing the key to her heart away, it just means that it'll be harder to get to it than the way it use to be.

anyway, as i'm typing this, i'm freezing just a lot, watching dave chappelle, listening to my iTunes library, and talking to my buddy-o. and i've realized that music makes it easier for me to function which makes it hard to work in class of course which is why i like band and choir [yes that does mean i'm a nerd] but i mean its a musical enviroment and that's the type that makes it easier to think about stuff. regardless of the fact that they both irritate me in their own way.

all this week i've been highly busy right? startingmonday with band practice then tuesday with band practice and then a clinic and a concert the same night. wednesday was just hell becayse tuesday night it seems the whole junior class got a call saying we've all had 3or more tardies and had dentention and if we didn't go there was suspension. i was like "what the hell?!" well wheni get to school i see parents, pissed as ever at school, turns out it was an accident. meaning i got my ass out of bed at 6:50 instead of 7:30 to be at school early for a mistake? yeahhh...lets just say i wasn't the happiest of people that day. but aside from the busy side someone decided to cop an attitude out be me not saying hi or w/e when this person said he was giving me space. now, why exactly would you be bothering me with that if i asked for space. i mean seriously. sometimes i do not understand the male species, bunch of greedy ones i say...but that's what ever. the situation frustrates me enough.

oh and also this week, i've worked up to a new level of freaking mysefl and others out. which isn't that hard for me to do, but seeing as i have been avoiding a person... Yeah I Was Avoiding You. i've been more obsessive i guess, talking with everyone else. which creeps me out just a tad. because it's like i'm trying to fill up a hole the should never be closed but i mean people come in and out of life and the way they act shows how much they really care. and if they don't make an effort to fix anything regardless of how persistency has worked out in the past for them, if you want to keep someone you'll try your hardest to keep them. but pushing them away or feeling that you're doing what's best to let them go means that you didn't really care if they were beside you or not. and that makes you an asshole.

Umm... i believe that's it. i'm tired is hell and still freezing my ass off so i gotta warm myself and go to bed.

peace-love-&&dani ♥

this is why i like more than i love; i don't deserve perfection.

when i thought i was sent to heaven for what? three weeks, i get knocked out of the sky and i land back in hell. i miss things, and i miss being a girl. i miss when my walls were knocked down for one particular person. and now i'm slowly rebuilding them to keep myself from letting this mistake happen again.

i fell in love. lovely isn't? i didn't think it could happen, to me of all peopole and what makes things different is someone was actually head over heels for me too, but today an obstacle has been put in front of both me and him. and its the fact that he loves his is ex still, and i just came around at a very bad time you could say. all day for 4-5hrs i've been calling ,yself stupid because this guy, was just someone that made waking up amazing. that made having a bad hair day an i don't really give a damn. who totally made me rethink if i was lucky or not. but reality smacked me so hard that i'm still burning from the hit. this is the umpteenth time that something has just felt so wrong for the right purposes. this proved that i don't deserve to be this happy for such a long period of time because all good things do come to an end for me.

i miss hanging out with him, watching movies and basically just clowning around with him for hours on end. because i felt like i was in heaven, but he didn't feelt the same i guess. i'm not his angel and i guess i need to realize that sooner rather than being a bitter shrew as a 16 going on 17 year-old. i guess i'm just rushing into a happily-ever-after too soon. my plans are now consisting of making my friend my priority again.. and rebuilding myself again. i think this may possibly be the hardest thing i have ever had to do.

...im so scared...

dramu;him;and finals

yesterday, i couldn't bring myself to writing anything because i was so confused as to what the freak was goin with my mind. for hours i was so sure, and then i was so unsure for forever. then there was some stupid bull ish! omg! for starters, i will forever stick by my statement that if you're under the height of like 5'4" i will so not get along with you, just because its been that way for a while. but anyway.

dramu: i am so freakin sick of the words, "i've got to talk to you" because it always ends up bad! i mean the past two days i've heard things i don't wanna hear. i've yelled at people, and i've questioned my own sanity! but anyway, those words were said to me yesterday, almost as if it was intentional. and she was like, and i hurt you and i'm sorry. a true friend yeah would've told me, but would've told me in the privacy not infront of 20people making feel like a complete idiot. and then, i had to think about it with our schools police officer. and she so got me to thinking...why tell me out loud like that? and i was like omg! there's so something fishy going around here...and i secretly don't wanna know anymore. because i want this damn dramu to go away. it's stressing me out :(

him: he makes me happy, enough said. though i do have to admit he's an adorable person and makes me smile, but you know i swear he's a tad clueless about what he does. but i'll let it slide. but what this is about is the things he says & does that make feel less cold/flu-like. he was my pillow for lunch yesterday, which is totally the opposite of what i would do. okay yes i sound freakishly girly but i mean i honestly i can't help myself. its such an amazing feeling that flows from tips of my fingers and surges unexplainable electricity through-out my body. and alot of the time it seems so unexplainable because a lot of people know the feeling but those that don't make it so hard that all i can do is smile and be like "i don't know how to tell you" and even occaisionally show some people why i'm so happy, but if i was to show it now it may just make some of be like, "you're soo lying" i'm telling the gosh honest truth. or maybe this is some heroin based dream i've thought up whilst i'm in a coma? i have no idea! whether its real or fake, i'm enjoying the moment

finals: ok so yep, the word finals is probably making you cuss out of control but it's making me do the same. i think i've passed every one that i have taken far, which makes me proud. if i'm lucky i'll pass the next 3. two are easy and one requires me to have a thought process, which i hope i have. i'm trying to study...but my brain keeps shutting off.

all in all the last two days have been full of lies and smiles. and i for one am sick of the lies!

bring on the smiles

why some secrets should stay buried

ok yes that sounded like some talk show topic mess, but i couldn't resist. anyway, as i was stating in my ever so blunt title. not everything should be said. and i always seem to learn these things the hard way. but for starts i would like to state that the following quote is stupid and for those who say this...you all should hit yourselves with bricks.

"what you don't know, won't hurt you"

this could not be farther from a lie, and it is also very true. somethings have every right to stay secrets because of course finding out the truth will so eat away at you. it is a sucky feeling. but i mean think about it, do you really want to know every little detail about who you're in a relationship with? i mean it will do nothing but stress you out, and trust me i know some super duper stress that lower your self-esteem levels.

moving on!

i think last night/ this morning were the best day(s) of my week. i stayed up till like 3 talking about everything & nothing and in the process i smiled the whole time which is odd, i've been on don't touch me mode. but that's something that will be talked about in february because what has happened has passed but will indeed come again.

but anyway, i have no what else to blab on about...which is actually a first. i don't know, when somehting worth typing is done, i'll blab on it...

1:44 am

i slam my pen down and press my palms to

my forhead lately because the sight of you

behind my eyelids sends my thoughts to

only you, and then i begin to shut down

completely.

--

its because of you that i still believe in fairytales

and baby i wouldn't have it any other. every

girl needs someone to save her eventually,

evenwhen she's too proud to know it.

--

i reinact caused scenes over and over again
to figure out to fully understand why you have
yet to let me go. i'm far from unique and occaisionally
i fall over things. i have the tendency to rush into
falling in love and i hate not being close to you...
though there's a little voice inside my head screaming

"maybe that's why he's still holding on"

--

i hate it when i'm silent, because at that at exact moment
i'm thinking of every possible thing i should say to you but
i freeze up and i can only think of random things that make
me slightly more neurotic than my usual. words overlap
themselves on the tip of my tongue and are always on the
verge of falling out, but in the end all they will spell out is
i want to be your perfect imperfection.
--
i think i set myself up to hear you say honey-coated words
just so when my eyes are clouded with rain i can smile.

thats the way it goes

there's an actuall reason i hate chick flicks. because they make me think like the poor saps in the movie. and its so scary to me. because lately that's what i've expereinced. i'm scared to lose someone i love over stupid reasons because knowing me, i create the problems but don't know what to say to fix them.

so i write, i write alot of things mainly love poetry, lost love poetry, and your occaisional broken hearted poems. alot of people would question my emotions and constantly ask or wonder if i'm okay. the truth is i have no idea if i'm okay or not. though i think every child has the right to question their mental status, but i don't know i'm more scared of so much more lately, which is weird because the only thing i'm afraid of are the basics, spiders, snakes, scorpions, my parents dying, being a lone for ever, etc. but i mean being of afraid of something as minorly major as the l word. but knowing me, i have the tendency to freak out over just about everything, and in exchange i'm reassured by some amazing people that i am officially crazy.

but anyway: back to the chick flicks, there was one that i watched today, and it was about this girl who had heart problems and went to the hospital to wait for a heart transplant; harmless right? anyway while there she meets a group of people who are in the same situation, and while there she meets a guy who she thinks a complete loser. anywho she and him both get a heart transplant. the catch to this is that both of their hearts belong to some little girls parents,[sweet right]. this is taking too long for me to write, in the end the guy and the girl grow closer and closer together and in the end get married, but what stirs my happy gears, is that there was a line in it that said

"and their hearts fit perfectly together in place."

cute no? but i mean it struck a nerve in me. not a negative one, but a happy one. it felt uncomfy. usually the only way that happens is when i'm in the music zone.

there has to be an explanation to this, right?

january 10th (a saturday that should've been better)

what's hilarious about this entire thing to me is that i never
have anything to say when i write it but i can always speak
my mind. which is awkward if you ask me. just because it
proves that i'm a lil creepy.

anyway...i think i'm short on words at the moment because
today was sadly boring and i wanted to do nothing but sleep
it away but even still i couldn't.
now i'm on the verge of another poem but i don't think it'd be
enjoyable.

so much for a rant lol. oy the best thing about today was
someone said "i love you" :O ha. suspense

things that fall out of the sky remind me of him

one.
magical eclipses are formed from behind
my eyelids and a pearl-lit smile erodes
from beneath my lips and i realize that
i'm in heaven as long as i'm dreaming of you

two.
your fingers imitate summer rain-showers
against my skin, & i still represent the
never ending blizzard seeping from pores,
together we make a natural disaster.

three.
you are the stars that light my darkest nights
and the gentle breezes that slip in between
the spaces between my fingers and feels like
somethings missing when i can't hear you say
i love you too

four.
i don't know what to say to you about us.
because every time i try, i want to say that
i want to make my own constellation with
you and name it imperfection because as long
as i am the way i am, nothing can be perfect